1 00:00:03,579 --> 00:00:05,960 I joined the Air Force when I was 17 2 00:00:05,969 --> 00:00:08,720 with the sole intent on going to war . 3 00:00:08,729 --> 00:00:11,180 So as soon as I stepped foot into basic 4 00:00:11,189 --> 00:00:13,840 training , that was my identity going 5 00:00:13,850 --> 00:00:15,800 forward . The military was it , I 6 00:00:15,810 --> 00:00:17,977 joined a community that was very tight 7 00:00:17,977 --> 00:00:20,254 knit with a high ops tempo at the time , 8 00:00:20,260 --> 00:00:23,379 a lot of deployments , very high trust , 9 00:00:23,389 --> 00:00:25,611 uh with a small amount of members . And 10 00:00:25,611 --> 00:00:28,170 so getting into that community , I was 11 00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:31,530 looking for um , something to make me 12 00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:33,930 fit in because I was coming in very 13 00:00:33,939 --> 00:00:36,099 young , experienced in life , 14 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,439 not , not overwhelmingly athletic or uh 15 00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:42,700 really much talent of anything , but I 16 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:46,270 could work hard on the surface at work . 17 00:00:46,279 --> 00:00:49,000 All my performance looks like things 18 00:00:49,009 --> 00:00:51,639 were great . I had a good reputation . 19 00:00:51,650 --> 00:00:54,979 I was a hard worker , but I got into it 20 00:00:54,990 --> 00:00:58,840 so young that the guys I work next 21 00:00:58,849 --> 00:01:01,071 to it always felt like we didn't have a 22 00:01:01,071 --> 00:01:03,293 lot in common . And the only two things 23 00:01:03,293 --> 00:01:05,460 I could really relate to them with was 24 00:01:05,460 --> 00:01:09,339 work or the gym . And I was so 25 00:01:09,349 --> 00:01:12,629 fearful that this perceived reputation 26 00:01:13,110 --> 00:01:15,660 of being this guy , I had become in my 27 00:01:15,669 --> 00:01:19,379 head if that person was shaken at all . 28 00:01:19,389 --> 00:01:21,660 Then all these friends I had made based 29 00:01:21,669 --> 00:01:24,779 off who he was would go away . 30 00:01:25,279 --> 00:01:28,550 That overtook my life for a long time . 31 00:01:28,669 --> 00:01:31,699 For eight years . I just ran full speed . 32 00:01:32,199 --> 00:01:34,510 I would be the one taking every TDY I 33 00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:36,707 trying to get on every deployment . It 34 00:01:36,707 --> 00:01:38,762 took eight years to finally burn out 35 00:01:38,762 --> 00:01:41,040 and see that it would always be here . 36 00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:47,067 Hey , what's on , what was that on the 37 00:01:47,067 --> 00:01:49,569 other end ? I was 20 the first time I 38 00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:52,319 walked into behavioral health in North 39 00:01:52,330 --> 00:01:54,360 Carolina , but it was just for one 40 00:01:54,370 --> 00:01:58,209 session after that session with the 41 00:01:58,220 --> 00:02:01,190 counselor . I really , I wasn't that 42 00:02:01,199 --> 00:02:03,199 committed . It wasn't bad enough at 43 00:02:03,199 --> 00:02:05,199 that point that I wanted to put the 44 00:02:05,199 --> 00:02:07,366 work in to continue . So I stopped , I 45 00:02:07,366 --> 00:02:09,588 was so embarrassed about all this stuff 46 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:11,559 going on because in my head , the 47 00:02:11,570 --> 00:02:13,792 people that I knew and that I was close 48 00:02:13,792 --> 00:02:16,869 with , they were friends with me 49 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:19,380 because of my performance at work or , 50 00:02:19,779 --> 00:02:22,001 uh , my fitness or these other things . 51 00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:24,820 So I felt like if I admitted to needing 52 00:02:24,830 --> 00:02:26,997 help in these areas , I'd be seen as a 53 00:02:26,997 --> 00:02:29,219 fraud and things would just fall away . 54 00:02:32,690 --> 00:02:35,660 I could feel in my , my heart that just 55 00:02:35,669 --> 00:02:37,891 things weren't right . So I would go to 56 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,836 numb those things out whether it's 57 00:02:39,836 --> 00:02:41,780 alcohol , uh , pursuing just empty 58 00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:44,389 relationships at the time or a big 59 00:02:44,399 --> 00:02:46,759 thing for me was food . You know , the 60 00:02:46,770 --> 00:02:50,270 fitness thing on top of this lack of , 61 00:02:50,279 --> 00:02:53,429 uh , life . Really ? Uh I 62 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:56,190 developed an eating disorder from that , 63 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,723 that eating disorder got worse and 64 00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:03,429 worse over the years , physically , 65 00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,607 mentally , emotionally , spiritually , 66 00:03:05,607 --> 00:03:08,320 I just felt drained and for months at a 67 00:03:08,330 --> 00:03:10,589 time I just spiraling down in deep 68 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,869 depression thinking I'd probably just 69 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:16,789 be better off dead . I kept these 70 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,229 issues bottled up for so long that it 71 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,479 got to a point of just total 72 00:03:22,490 --> 00:03:25,679 breakage between 2018 and 2020 . 73 00:03:30,630 --> 00:03:32,797 I need to hook a line out of this real 74 00:03:32,797 --> 00:03:34,741 quick and just roll it out . After 75 00:03:34,741 --> 00:03:36,797 coming back from Afghanistan , I got 76 00:03:36,797 --> 00:03:38,908 picked up for a commissioning program 77 00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:42,119 and within 30 days , I drove across 78 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:45,949 country to Colorado in the middle of 79 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,429 COVID and started classes at Colorado 80 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,470 State University . The state was on 81 00:03:50,479 --> 00:03:53,050 fire . I didn't know anybody . So these 82 00:03:53,059 --> 00:03:55,392 two things that were really my identity , 83 00:03:55,392 --> 00:03:57,115 um particularly the military , 84 00:03:57,115 --> 00:03:59,059 especially after eight months down 85 00:03:59,059 --> 00:04:02,899 range entirely without 86 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,839 my team , my identity as an EOD 87 00:04:05,850 --> 00:04:07,800 technician and a team leader 88 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:11,524 was gone . You guys want back up a 89 00:04:11,524 --> 00:04:13,413 little more even just wearing the 90 00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,580 uniform every day gone . Understanding 91 00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:19,178 what I was doing was gone . I was 92 00:04:19,188 --> 00:04:21,479 suddenly ripped out of that . 93 00:04:27,149 --> 00:04:29,205 I'm thankful for that though because 94 00:04:29,205 --> 00:04:31,093 that gave me that desperation . I 95 00:04:31,093 --> 00:04:32,871 needed to look into things that 96 00:04:32,980 --> 00:04:35,410 actually would fulfill the first week 97 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:37,769 of classes . A guy named Blake who's 98 00:04:37,779 --> 00:04:40,529 now my best friend stopped me on campus 99 00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:42,839 and we started talking and he invited 100 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,700 me to go to church and that just 101 00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:46,809 started a whole chain of events over 102 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,764 those three years in Colorado that 103 00:04:48,764 --> 00:04:51,109 completely turned my life around . Yeah , 104 00:04:51,119 --> 00:04:53,730 the turning point was definitely my 105 00:04:53,739 --> 00:04:56,640 faith . It gave me purpose beyond 106 00:04:56,649 --> 00:04:59,760 myself . Understanding really restored 107 00:04:59,769 --> 00:05:02,359 a lot over those three years . It just 108 00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:05,690 really put me in a much better place to 109 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,533 come back to the military when I 110 00:05:07,533 --> 00:05:10,739 commissioned . It actually helps me be 111 00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,940 better at work and better at home 112 00:05:12,950 --> 00:05:15,260 because I'm not conflating the two . 113 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,912 What I would tell people who are on the 114 00:05:17,912 --> 00:05:19,968 fence about seeking help or thinking 115 00:05:19,968 --> 00:05:21,968 their issue is not big enough yet . 116 00:05:21,968 --> 00:05:24,079 I'll tell you , go right now , go get 117 00:05:24,079 --> 00:05:26,140 an opinion from a professional . I 118 00:05:26,149 --> 00:05:28,316 think the mistake that a lot of people 119 00:05:28,316 --> 00:05:30,730 make is waiting to have this dramatic 120 00:05:30,739 --> 00:05:33,540 impetus to . All right now I need to go 121 00:05:33,549 --> 00:05:35,771 seek help . I know I did , you know , I 122 00:05:35,771 --> 00:05:39,440 waited years and I thought I needed a 123 00:05:39,450 --> 00:05:41,283 more dramatic thing . I needed a 124 00:05:41,283 --> 00:05:43,859 suicide attempt . I needed something 125 00:05:44,029 --> 00:05:46,559 big to really need care . And I think 126 00:05:46,570 --> 00:05:48,720 that is one of the biggest mistakes 127 00:05:48,730 --> 00:05:51,179 that we make as a force is seeing 128 00:05:51,190 --> 00:05:54,339 mental health as this last crisis line 129 00:05:54,350 --> 00:05:56,350 effort instead of something that we 130 00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:58,700 need to do as soon as minor issues 131 00:05:58,709 --> 00:06:00,820 arise . If we wanna make a culture in 132 00:06:00,820 --> 00:06:03,904 the air force of , of people who go to 133 00:06:03,915 --> 00:06:05,971 get help when they need it . We need 134 00:06:05,971 --> 00:06:08,654 those who uh uh we fear will judge us 135 00:06:08,665 --> 00:06:10,855 to tell us it's ok . And not only tell 136 00:06:10,864 --> 00:06:13,244 us but demonstrate that be public about 137 00:06:13,255 --> 00:06:14,977 your story , you don't need to 138 00:06:14,977 --> 00:06:17,954 glamorize anything but you need to show 139 00:06:17,964 --> 00:06:20,154 and build that trust that there won't 140 00:06:20,165 --> 00:06:23,445 be consequences and you really do care 141 00:06:23,454 --> 00:06:25,343 about them getting help more than 142 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:25,404 anything else .